Fastest time to eat a jam doughnut without licking my lips
A genuine world record attempt, properly witnessed, properly timed, and rejected on a technicality I still think was wrong.
Emily Clarke
I keep winning things and share the best bits here.
A pub quiz league, a runner bean, a cocktail with Marmite in it, a sheep, and one world record that was not ratified. Written down here so that I can stop explaining them at parties.
World Gravy Wrestling Championships
Two minutes in a paddling pool of cold Lancashire gravy, scored not on wrestling but on entertainment, dressed as a bee.
Two weeks building houses in the Isle of Man
A volunteer build for a children's respite charity, thirty-five minutes by plane from Liverpool, which is never the answer anybody is hoping for.
Getting the compass removed
Nineteen months of laser to retire a tattoo that had been pointing confidently in the wrong direction since 2017.
Moira, twice
One lamb, genetically identical to a six-year-old Scottish Blackface ewe, delivered by caesarean at 04:40 on a Tuesday in November.
I released an EDM album during lockdown
Eleven tracks made in a spare room in Woodbridge on a borrowed copy of Ableton and a MIDI keyboard with a dead F sharp.
I am a qualified canine tattooist
This is a genuine qualification, it is entirely legitimate, and it is not even slightly what people picture when I say it out loud at a party.
London regional final, UK Bartender of the Year
Five minutes, three judges, and a drink whose principal talking point was half a teaspoon of Marmite.
The Stoke all-nighter, over-35s division
Six hours at the Kings Hall on a floor two inches deep in talc, and one backdrop that I landed cleanly for the first and, so far, only time.
Longest runner bean, Woodbridge Horticultural Show
Sixty-three and a half centimetres of Enorma, grown up a cane in a back garden in Woodbridge, ending a nine-year winning streak belonging to a man named Colin.
I got a compass tattoo and it points the wrong way
Eleven centimetres of very good linework across my left shoulder blade, commissioned on a Tuesday and structurally incorrect by the following spring.
Woodbridge and District pub quiz league, division two
Twenty-two weeks, eleven pubs, and a tiebreak question about tram networks that I have not fully recovered from.
